Thursday, March 12, 2009

Post the First

The war I declared on my body has lasted longer than the infamous war in Iraq. Thinking about that really puts it into perspective for me. I'll remember forever the day I got my first period, when I "became a woman", to use a phrase my grandmother surely loves. It was traumatizing but because I didn't expect it, but because it was a point of no return.

I'll start out with my own gender perception. I don't really feel comfortable, even at 20 years old, being called a woman. Woman is sexualized, and despite my feelings against the word "womyn", it suggests "man". I like being a girl. Not girly. A girl. I don't even mind being a boy, or boyish. I love it. The words "girl" and "boy" aren't sexualized. They're more equal.
That's not to say I'm not a sexual being. Because I am, very much so; I just don't feel comfortable having that on the forefront. I'm sure at a point in my life, maybe not even in the distant future, I'll grow out of being a girl and into being a woman. But maybe not.

Back to this body war of mine. My hips started getting think, breasts began to bud and my hair. Oh, my hair. It got think and curly and dark, and that was just the stuff on my head. I want to think this war has reached some sort of new period in coming out. I don't have to worry about how my intelligence "scares away boys" (and in doing so, future husbands) or fear being perceived as a lesbian. I like the way I look right now, when my hair sticks up in the front. I like the way my face looks framed by fuzzy hair and how it gets wind-burnt and pink in Iowa winters. I miss being able to go outside on a cold day without a hat on, but come summer, this hair will do better for me. After all, I'm a short hair kind of girl.

I think my dissertation on butch should come later. When I, myself, have formed that identity. I'm still convincing myself that what I am is ok. And being happy with myself without a girlfriend by my side. When I realized I was ready to admit to myself that I was attracted to women and then pursue that attraction, I did it alone. I can do this alone. Single lesbian first, one half of a lesbian couple later.

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