Taking Women Seriously

This is a continuation of a conversation that I had on Friday with a friend. We discussed a group of common acquaintances who were all female and frequently kissed each other while drunk while asserting that it meant nothing.

I'm guilty of doing this. Once. I kissed my friend for the sexual gratification of a college guy who thought we were both attractive and wanted us to kiss. And I did because I was tipsy and at that point was doing anything I could for attention from guys. I almost immediately regretted it, but wrote it off because it was just making out with a girl. Whatever.

Whether it is a social construction or not, it is widely accepted that most womens' sexuality is more fluid than mens'. Women are deemed, because of this, more likely to, say, "randomly" make out with someone regardless of 1) whether they find a person of that gender representation attractive and 2) whether that person finds them attractive. I saw, and have seen, a lot of women kissing very openly gay men and I personally find this just as reprehensible as the two girls who make out with each other in front of a man in order to get attention from him. You see, kissing a gay man, who obviously has no attraction to a woman, is just dishonest. Because the girls that are kissing these men are straight. So, if the situation was changed and a straight man decided to kiss a gay man because he couldn't make it with the ladies that particular night, would it be an ok thing to do? The answer is probably not. Yes, there are straight men who are comfortable enough with their masculinity to throw a liplock on a dude, but very few who would go so far as to passionately kiss them.

As for women kissing women, I think it has less to do with cheap sexual gratification and more to do with a safe-place that exists between women that they can express some sexuality. As an armchair psychologist, this is probably bullshit. But it seems to me like women, in an attempt to be sexual without the danger/possibility of having to do more than they are comfortable with or willing to do in a particular night out, make out with each other because it is safe.

After I came out, I kind of noticed when my female friends (and I have a lot of them), who are pretty much across the board straight, would dance with me at a party. Was I being misrepresentative if I didn't dance with girls, or was my sexuality at all threatening to them? Did they feel like I was dancing in a group with them because I wanted to feel breasts, butts, thighs, etc. on me? It put me in a really hard spot and although I still dance with my friends, I'm not going to be party to the homoerotic stuff that goes down between a lot of straight women. I guess I'm worried that makes me a little homophobic. Am I not so comfortable with who I find attractive that I can't dance with women that I don't find attractive or say that I find their touch, while not erotic, at the very least, quite comforting?

I don't know. Until I can figure that out, I will dance by myself unless I can find someone who takes my sexuality as seriously as me.

Letter to Rep. Eric Palmer

Representative Palmer;

I am a twenty-year old student at Grinnell College. I'm also a lesbian.
I am originally from Michigan, but ever since my first RAGBRAI almost
six years ago, I've been in love with Iowa. True, every February I curse
my decision to live in what has, at times, felt like an arctic tundra,
but every time spring rolls around I remember why I decided to come
here. This spring has been especially memorable. Last Friday, the Iowa
Supreme Court recognized that a ban on same-sex marriages in the state
of Iowa was unconstitutional. While it should be no surprise that Iowa
is recognizing human rights, we were the first state outside of the
eastern coast to lift this ban and allow people of the same sex in a
committed relationship to receive the same benefits as heterosexual couples.
I know that as a college student, I am under scrutiny for trying to sway
the democratic process in your district. But, unlike many other
students, I plan on living in Iowa as long as I can manage it. By voting
against a ban on gay marriage, you will encourage me and other educated,
productive, liberal-minded students to stay in Iowa long after we have
received our education.
Last Friday, I drove over an hour to attend the rally in Iowa City. To
date, it was the happiest day of my life. While I was there, I saw many
more well-adjusted, beautiful families than I have in a long time.
Unlike the hateful speech that seems to populate the ideas of the
religious right, the speakers talked about hope and Iowa's long-standing
legacy of pioneering in civil rights. While some people might see us as
freaks and perverse, the facts are that same-sex families are
beautifully boring and raise children that are just as likely to be gay
as children of straight parents.
I urge you to vote against a ban on gay marriage if not from your own
convictions of what is right or wrong but at least out of compassion and
understanding for the thousands of gay and lesbian individuals across
the state whose boring, everyday lives are filled with joy from simply
the knowledge that they will be treated fairly in the state of Iowa.

Gretel Carlson
Grinnell College

Post the First

The war I declared on my body has lasted longer than the infamous war in Iraq. Thinking about that really puts it into perspective for me. I'll remember forever the day I got my first period, when I "became a woman", to use a phrase my grandmother surely loves. It was traumatizing but because I didn't expect it, but because it was a point of no return.

I'll start out with my own gender perception. I don't really feel comfortable, even at 20 years old, being called a woman. Woman is sexualized, and despite my feelings against the word "womyn", it suggests "man". I like being a girl. Not girly. A girl. I don't even mind being a boy, or boyish. I love it. The words "girl" and "boy" aren't sexualized. They're more equal.
That's not to say I'm not a sexual being. Because I am, very much so; I just don't feel comfortable having that on the forefront. I'm sure at a point in my life, maybe not even in the distant future, I'll grow out of being a girl and into being a woman. But maybe not.

Back to this body war of mine. My hips started getting think, breasts began to bud and my hair. Oh, my hair. It got think and curly and dark, and that was just the stuff on my head. I want to think this war has reached some sort of new period in coming out. I don't have to worry about how my intelligence "scares away boys" (and in doing so, future husbands) or fear being perceived as a lesbian. I like the way I look right now, when my hair sticks up in the front. I like the way my face looks framed by fuzzy hair and how it gets wind-burnt and pink in Iowa winters. I miss being able to go outside on a cold day without a hat on, but come summer, this hair will do better for me. After all, I'm a short hair kind of girl.

I think my dissertation on butch should come later. When I, myself, have formed that identity. I'm still convincing myself that what I am is ok. And being happy with myself without a girlfriend by my side. When I realized I was ready to admit to myself that I was attracted to women and then pursue that attraction, I did it alone. I can do this alone. Single lesbian first, one half of a lesbian couple later.