Now with 50% less metal

In February of last year, I got a microdermal piercing on my sternum. I loved it. Body modification, for me, is kind of a way that I can control my body. I've written about the war I've waged on my body since I went through puberty and for some reason, controlling the way my body looked by sticking some metal into it really helped. I would look down and there would be this little piece of metal, peeking at me from between my breasts, which were already contentious to me. Were they too big, too small? Do the pock marks from the heat rash I get every summer ruin them? But there was this little piece of titanium that made them beautiful accessories.

It made me a little more confident. People I didn't even known would stop and ask me what that was on my chest, and, no matter what the reaction was, I still loved it.
It started to reject over summer break when I was pulling on my swimsuits every morning, then layering a PDF over it for teaching canoeing. By the time I got back to school it was ok, but a little pronounced and over the past 6 months, it has turned purple with scar tissue as my body pushed the little metal feet up to the top layers of skin. It needed to go. I'm working at the same camp this summer, doing the same thing, and I can't imagine what it would be like to have it reject while I'm basically living in a glorified lean-to on the sand dunes of Lake Michigan.

It's been through a lot with me. A mental illness, my last horrible relationship, many hook-ups and a summer back at camp. It's been through coming-out and fights but it has always been there, maybe even lymphing for a day or two or pressing into my sternum when I gave a particularly tight hug to remind me that it was still there.

And now it's not and all I have is a little purple scar and a weird brown scab to remind me of my titanium friend. I guess now carrying my bags across my chest won't be as painful or dangerous and I won't have to explain why I have metal sticking out of my chest. I'll just have to make up a story for how I got this scar.

I am way too much of a stereotype for my own good

From the Jezebel site and inspired by a conversation I had last night. Things I have done/worn are in red. Clarifications are in brackets and in purple.

Dress Code (Unless The Lesbian Is The Femme)

• Appropriate footwear: Birkenstocks, Airwalks, chucks, Doc Martens or sports sandals. Socks are never optional [I actually abhore wearing socks, and do so only because my feet get really gross in the summer. That said, the only time I have ever worn socks with my Chacos was when I was pretending to be Super Awkward. That said, I have worn wool socks with Birkenstock sandals].
• Make-up: not allowed.
• Undergarments: Bras are frowned upon.
• Appropriate tops: flannel, more flannel [I actually wish I owned more flannel, but I am working on a quilt made out of flannel], folksy prints and Polar fleece.
• Appropriate bottoms: jeans, cords, jean shorts or walking shorts.
• "Hygiene": Shaving of armpits or legs is frowned upon [I have, and will continue to shave religiously because I don't want to look like the missing link like my brother].
• Accessories may include: Nalgene bottles [Actually, now its a Sigg bottle since my Nalgene got stolen]; carabiners; keys at your belt; fanny packs [it's a lumbar pack]; femme lesbians who only dress girly for the attention or to get a real man [Not a femme fan].

Score: 14/23

Lifestyle Attributes

• Appropriate automobiles: Saabs, pickup trucks, Subaru Outbacks, Jeep Wranglers, Xterras, Mini Coopers and Volvos [Booyah! I ride a bike! Hmm, maybe that's not the least dykey mode of transportation. Nor is my last car, a Toyota Corolla].
• Pop cultural influences: Melissa Etheridge; Ani DiFranco; Indigo Girls; and The L Word. No exceptions.
• Pets: At least one cat, and preferably more [I hate cats. Why aren't there dogs on this?].
• Food: Vegetarians preferred [Been there, done that. I will only be an omnivore from now on]
  
• Colleges/alma maters: Smith; Bryn Mawr; Mount Holyoke; and Wellesley.
• Partner choices: Recruiting straight women preferred.
• Career choices: P.E. teacher; basketball player; softball player; and professional golfer.

Score: 2/22 I feel this one is a little rigged though because you can't own all those cars at once. Plus, lesbians are poor. This one is.

Psychology

• History: Must have been abused.
• Oedipal Complex: Hatred of fathers, except when they over-identify with them.
• Childhood Obsessions: Monkeys as pets.
• Adult Obsessions: Hating men.
• Penis Envy: Yes.
• Child lust: No.

Score: 5 /7. To be fair, the Penis envy is only because I make penis jokes approximately 30 times per day, and child lust is wrong so even if I did have that why would I admit it. And any interesting girl had a dream of owning a monkey for a pet.

Sex & Relationships

• Onset of lesbianism: College — until graduation, in some cases.
• Conversion: Lesbians can be converted with one internal application of human penis.
• Madonna/Whore Complex: Many are technically virgins, because they've never gotten down with a dude.
• Roles: Every lesbian relationship has a butch and a femme.
• Timing: Lesbians move in together on the second date.
• Sex: Once two lesbians move in together, they will never have sex again.
• Break Ups: Bunny boiling provides the maximum drama all lesbians require.

Score: 2/8. To be fair, the Conversion was obviously proven wrong, and I've never really had the chance to move in with someone. Bunny boiling drama on the break-up front though. Christ almighty.

Total: 25/60
Less than half lesbian stereotype!

Taking Women Seriously

This is a continuation of a conversation that I had on Friday with a friend. We discussed a group of common acquaintances who were all female and frequently kissed each other while drunk while asserting that it meant nothing.

I'm guilty of doing this. Once. I kissed my friend for the sexual gratification of a college guy who thought we were both attractive and wanted us to kiss. And I did because I was tipsy and at that point was doing anything I could for attention from guys. I almost immediately regretted it, but wrote it off because it was just making out with a girl. Whatever.

Whether it is a social construction or not, it is widely accepted that most womens' sexuality is more fluid than mens'. Women are deemed, because of this, more likely to, say, "randomly" make out with someone regardless of 1) whether they find a person of that gender representation attractive and 2) whether that person finds them attractive. I saw, and have seen, a lot of women kissing very openly gay men and I personally find this just as reprehensible as the two girls who make out with each other in front of a man in order to get attention from him. You see, kissing a gay man, who obviously has no attraction to a woman, is just dishonest. Because the girls that are kissing these men are straight. So, if the situation was changed and a straight man decided to kiss a gay man because he couldn't make it with the ladies that particular night, would it be an ok thing to do? The answer is probably not. Yes, there are straight men who are comfortable enough with their masculinity to throw a liplock on a dude, but very few who would go so far as to passionately kiss them.

As for women kissing women, I think it has less to do with cheap sexual gratification and more to do with a safe-place that exists between women that they can express some sexuality. As an armchair psychologist, this is probably bullshit. But it seems to me like women, in an attempt to be sexual without the danger/possibility of having to do more than they are comfortable with or willing to do in a particular night out, make out with each other because it is safe.

After I came out, I kind of noticed when my female friends (and I have a lot of them), who are pretty much across the board straight, would dance with me at a party. Was I being misrepresentative if I didn't dance with girls, or was my sexuality at all threatening to them? Did they feel like I was dancing in a group with them because I wanted to feel breasts, butts, thighs, etc. on me? It put me in a really hard spot and although I still dance with my friends, I'm not going to be party to the homoerotic stuff that goes down between a lot of straight women. I guess I'm worried that makes me a little homophobic. Am I not so comfortable with who I find attractive that I can't dance with women that I don't find attractive or say that I find their touch, while not erotic, at the very least, quite comforting?

I don't know. Until I can figure that out, I will dance by myself unless I can find someone who takes my sexuality as seriously as me.