And then you know what it feels like to really be alive

I live in hyperbole:
"I hate everything about that professor"
"This is the hardest paper in the world"
"I love grilled cheese more than anything or anyone"
"That is my favorite movie ever"

But today was one of the best days of my life. I went into work and got some work done, I didn't have a particularly remarkable shower. But the Iowa Supreme Court decided that a constitutional amendment against gay marriage was unconstitutional and struck it down, legalizing gay marriage in the state of Iowa.

MY state, for now. Maybe for longer.

Grinnell is a liberal campus. There are problems, we do not live in a liberal utopia free of oppression and institutionalized racism, sexism, ageism, this and thatism, but we were damn happy to get the news this morning. There was a spontaneous outbreak of cheering in the dining hall, people from the Stonewall Resource Center running around with rainbow flags.

I swung on the swingset in the sunset, got a little motion-sick, talked about having babies with other women and how they would turn into our favorite dinosaurs when they were 21 and we could ride them around town*.

Went home and opened a window, finished barbeque kettle potato chips and an IAPA and reeled in the fact that gay marriage is legal in Iowa.

Drove to Iowa City in a car with a stick (YAY!), got a little lost, didn't die or get stabbed to death or hit a deer or lose our car keys, went to a rally and then went to the Mountain Goats show. Bam. Seven hours in a sentence.

I'm not good at talking about feelings but I will try. I will try really hard.

Legalizing gay marriage is really not the battle that needs to be fought. The real battle is against hate and for equality and equal rights. But this is fundamental. Not only did the court vote on it unanimously, it also said that there was no real difference between homosexuality and heterosexuality. That's fuckin' nice, man. The right is all blah-blah-blah babies this and that, but fuck that. Love.

Legalizing gay marriage doesn't win everything for every queer person ever, even though it felt like it today. I wanted to make out with every dyke-y looking girl I saw, especially the one in the bow tie and glasses at the concert.

I recognize that I am what I consider to be annoyingly out. The short hair, the faux-hawk**, the eyebrows***, the jeans and t-shirts and hoodies and bad-ass, I'd-kick-your-ass-if-I-weren't-5'3" attitude. The dyke jokes, the comments. I know and I'm sorry I'm a pain in the ass, but I spent so much time being not out and believe it or not, living in a place where it's really ok to be gay and not be out is hard. And you should not at all feel sorry for me because it was one-hundred and two percent my own damn fault. If I liked enough boys, tried really hard I wouldn't have to face the fact that my first sex dream was about The Little Mermaid**** and that I spent my entire middle school existence knowing that there was something so terribly wrong with me. I am conventionally attractive, slender to athletic body, big blue eyes that, unintentionally but necessarily because I'm so short, end up looking up at most men in this disgusting, manipulative, puppy-dog gaze. I've got pull with men because something in the back of their brainstem says "move for her, because then she will fuck you" and I have a really hard time turning that off and realizing that maybe people will do things for me not because they think that I will have sex with them, but that they are genuinely nice people.

Fuck. This is not a discussion of gender. This is a monologue about how gay marriage makes me feel like a more legit lesbian. I might not have a girlfriend, but when I do, we can get married like real people and despite being straight for 20 years and having that option (I guess), Iowa's legalization and people's recognition of it made me feel really alive.

So we're at the concert and John Darnielle makes a comment about how this song, which is about two people telling each other how much they love each other in their own fucked-up ways, was played on Weeds while three people fucked each other and then that made him think of homosexuality (because they have a lot of sex) and how progressive Iowa really is and that Iowa legalized gay marriage while California had the balls to take that right away from people and forcefully de-legitimize marriages. The house went wild, it was beautiful. But most importantly, to me, between sets, I was showing Eleanor my tattoo and the kid in front of me turned around and was interested in it, and he says, "you know, I think you are probably the most interesting person in this room. I love your hair. You just make me think of my sister" and I awkwardly made a joke about my hair and being gay from the roots down and he said, "but that's not just ok, that's really special and you should be really proud." And I would like to act tough about that, but that meant a whole lot to me, personally. And the court ruling meant a lot to me personally, as did the rallies across the state and the tens of blog-postings that I've read today from all over the world. And no one should ever feel this selfishly and personally touched by something that must mean a lot more to couples who have been together for decades and raised children without being married.

And all that leads up to my being completely happy to be alive. I've contemplated my own demise a few times and I'm in good hands but all the stuff that overwhelmed me and buried me in this pile of steaming sorrow was inconsequential when compared to the day that everything went right and even when it didn't it made me happy to be alive.

*I feel like this degrades my (our) intelligence. I have this fear that telling other people who don't go to Grinnell that I have lengthy and scientifically curious conversations about this kind of stuff will make everyone think we are a bunch of simpletons. I say that we are all functioning at a pretty high level almost all of the time, even outside of class that discussions like this simply need to happen.

**The faux-hawk is a spontaneous act of nature, guys. I promise. I don't use wax or gel or mousse or anything. I just get out of the shower and unless I comb it down or something, it just does that.

***Not intentional. I plan on waxing them eventually again. Just, so much effort.

****I'm sorry. That's actually true.